No destruction here

I haven't been here for a while, a long while. I don't know why I'm posting this here.

Anyway, hi, you're not going to be reading this anyway. The last time I saw you, I could have sworn you looked right at me while I was in mid-sentence. I think my jaw dropped, which would have made a really ugly sight. Way to make an impression. You have that effect on me and you've had that effect on me for a long time now. But you don't even know my name and for the most part, it's because I don't want you to. I like being creepy, watching you from afar and all that.

I like when you smile, how the lines on your face forms, how you do the squint and the pout. Hah, we even have similar poses. And I see you even in the dark with all the smoke, you bite your lip while you play. Intense concentration. I love that.

I don't know how to end this.

Aside from the usual "I-am-so-fucking-broke-it's-not-even-funny", all I have for you is that I saw Nicholas Saputra when no one else noticed (or even knew) him and I was too much of a fucking coward to go up to him.

Oh and I was told, 5 months too late, that Mr Mystery is a "bad man for you!" The things I get myself into...

I just got back from a night out in the cold. I don't know why the hell I, and friends, chose to watch a movie at random because we were cheated of our money with one of the most sorry excuse of a film ever. Please do not watch The Ferryman. The only scene that got to me in the entire movie is not even related directly to the main story. It was of the dog getting injured. Pfft.

Amongst other things, I have managed to get myself into a finance disaster. I feel terrible. My parents pay for my phone bill and I don't have to contribute to anything else (eventhough I want to) yet I don't have enough to last till my next pay. What the fuck? On top of that, I have to start paying for my school fees (from art school previously) and I have been entertaining the possibility of me not going back to school to get a diploma.

Wait, hold your horses. I meant for now anyway. All things involving the dough have been really complicated over the last few years. It would have been nice if I wasn't fully aware of what was going on because it adds so much (unnecessary) weight on my shoulders but I'm not one to just simply ignore things. Or rather, I can't.

Which brings me to something else altogether - my Malaysian friends. I must say that I am more disappointed than anything but I don't think I will be able to make the trip up north anytime soon. I really am sorry because I know I've been saying I will come for the last 2 years and I haven't. Please don't hold it against me.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being tired, you know? I can't remember how the hell I got here so how do I go back now?

Most people I know would associate me with a male-dominated sport. Football for instance, is one of my first loves. Today, a complete stranger said "you really know your football eh" within minutes of conversation. I guess I should take it as a compliment :) I'll admit I haven't really been paying attention to football or the teams I support lately. I know most Singaporeans only watch the EPL but over the last few years, I've been watching more La Liga and Serie A on the internet. With thanks to the Champions League and torrents, I have been watching other teams from other leagues as well. My friends don't really understand my fascination with football. Then again, my friends don't understand my fascination with rugby or racing either. Nobody understands my pain when Celtic loses to Rangers or when CSKA loses to any of its Moscow counterparts.

(In the background, Dynamo Kiev just scored against Manchester United.)

My Russian babies lost to Inter tonight. Manchester United cannot disappoint me now.

You're the DJ: what are the next five songs coming up after the break?

Amit - Swastika
The Works - Rebel With A Cause
Timbaland - Throw It On Me (The Bloody Beetroots Remix)
Aesop Rock - None Shall Pass
Amit - Suicide Bomber

Fortunately, none of you have to see me prancing around to this (:

I've actually already made a wishlist but let's be realistic, I'd probably be buying myself about 2 things out of that entire list so I'm making another list. Just because I can.

• New Zealand to win the World Cup
• hang out with my best friend(s) for an entire day without interruptions
  
• make plans for a trip I should have taken a long time ago; I know I owe you guys so much
  
• buy a CD (because I haven't bought any in the last say, 4 years)
  
• you not to break his heart, although you might have already
• find AQ and say hello
  
• spend the day happy, smiling
  

It's not exactly the kind of list people would expect but I don't care. Not much anyway.

PS: The title comes from here.

I haven't been around for a while. A lot of things have happened, like the inevitable. From people I knew to people I wished I knew. It all came too fast and too many at one time. People come and go, I'm not expected to smile when they go and never come back right?

The weekend was a blast. Two weekends in a row spent with Malaysians. I've learned new shit like ispenz and went a bit mad dancing headbanging to drum and bass. My neck hurts now. It's all I've been listening to over the past weeks, drum and bass. I didn't enjoy Goldie as much as I enjoyed Amit but then again, I'm more partial to something bass-driven.

Because I was out having fun all weekend, I completely missed the starting of the Rugby World Cup. But all is good because New Zealand kicked ass. And all I want for my birthday is for them to win. Though of course you could get me new clothes. I need new work shoes, damn.

... and now I shall go back to sleep kbye.

If I were a needle

I'd put love into your veins
If I were a needle
I'd take away the pain
If I were a wish
I'd grant myself to you
If I were a dream
I'd make myself come true

If I had a wish
I'd make the dying end
If I had wish
It would be childhood here again
If I had a wish
Love would be safe and pure

I have a wish
It's for a cure.